Recently, I've found myself stuck in anger. 
Watching constant injustice circle around me has left me with bitterness. 
I find myself pleading with God on his path to justice. 
I know a lot of us feel like that sometimes. 
I also know when we do feel like that, it can feel like we are unable to fully trust the Lord. 
It feels like God doesn't get it. 
I could sit here and write a post on why that's wrong, but we all know that it's wrong. 
And I wouldn't be in any place to lecture you on why it's wrong because I do this constantly. 
I do know that there's one story in the bible that reminds me of this moment, and it's not what most people think. 
The night that Jesus was arrested, He and three of His disciples were in the garden. 
As the soldiers approached Jesus to arrest Him, Judas had identified Jesus by giving him a kiss. 
Right after this moment, Peter drew his sword and sliced one of the guards ears off.
It's easy to be so filled with anger and rage at the injustice we see in front of us much like Peter. 
I find myself wanting to be Peter in situations of injustice; draw my sword against the oppressors and engage in revenge. 
In this story, I am reminded that in situations of injustice that God is still just. 
I am reminded that earthly justice and Godly justice sometimes do not coincide; that the justice I want to ensue on Earth does not compare the justice God has prepared for us. 
I am also reminded that my salvation is not just. 
I am reminded that I do not deserve eternal life with the Father. 
I do not deserve the peace, joy, and love of God. 
I am reminded that the life I have in Jesus is an act of mercy. 
I am reminded that my salvation does not guarantee a perfect life, for if it were not for times of grief and sorrow, I would not know God as my Comforter. 
If it were not for times of trials, I would not know God as my Defender. 
If it were not for times of pain, I would not know God as my Healer. 
Sometimes it's as easy (and as difficult) as allowing myself to rest in the promises of the Lord
God is as just as He is merciful, and in believing that, I am weirdly at peace in times of injustice. 
 

Dear white Christians, 
I'm confused. 
I'm confused because I grew up alongside you reading the same Gospel as you and yet our lives don't look the same. 
I'm confused because we serve the same God and yet I do not reap the same benefits as you. 
I'm confused because we find joy in the same promises and yet I am struck with the pain of injustice every day. 
Dear white Christians, 
I'm lost. 
I'm lost among the lists of names I continue to mourn over every week. 
I'm lost watching people use the scripture I use to comfort myself to justify ignorance. 
I'm lost trying to exist in a world that doesn't completely agree over my worth of existence. 
Dear white Christians,
I'm hurt. 
I'm hurt by the comments I've heard not only by  strangers by but my own brothers and sisters in Christ about people that look like me. 
I'm hurt by the lack of love and comfort in our current church. 
I'm hurt by those I call friend.
Dear white Christians, 
I'm scared. 
I'm scared to one day raise children in a world that doesn't accept them. 
I'm scared to park my car at the grocery store, to go anywhere after 8pm without a friend, to just be.
I'm scared to lose my life because of a 'misunderstanding'.
I'm scared to become a hashtag. 
Dear white Christians, 
"Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed" - Psalm 82:3
"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy." - Proverbs 31:8-9
"Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow"- Isaiah 1:17
Time and time again, our mission in Christ is made clear.  
Our mission sometimes makes us complicit in our sins. 
Our mission reveals our faults. 
Do not let that stop you from seeking out justice. 
Dear white Christians, 
I love you. 
You are my brother/sister in Christ for eternity. 
We serve the same God. 
We are redeemed by the same blood. 
I hold no anger towards you. 
Dear white Christians, 
"Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." - 1 John 4:11-12
As our God comforts us, I am asking for you to comfort me. 
As our God mourns with us, I am asking for you to mourn with me. 
As our God defends us, I am asking for you to defend me. 


Dear Lord, 
"Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. 
May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in you." - Psalm 25:21

phew. 
Let's talk about cry night. 
If you're not familiar with cry night, it's a term used to describe a night at a Christian camp or retreat that is dedicated towards an emotional setting usually structured with worship and an altar call as well. 
If you're new to camp culture or Christian culture, you might be thinking what the problem is with this. 
Unfortunately, there's many. 
I'll go through them quickly but I really want to get to how we move forward after experiencing cry nights. 

I don't know about you, but I don't uncontrollably cry every time I sit down and pray or read the bible.
I don't uncontrollably cry every time I'm listening to worship music in my room or in my car.
Every day faith isn't like that. 
An every day fellowship with the Lord is a relationship, not manipulation.
People that have experienced cry night situations have grown up having to reconstruct the way that they look at what faith looks like. ​
In order to move forward, we have to intentionally re-teach ourselves about our faith in Christ.

1.
Faith in Christ is voluntary, not forced by anyone or anything on earth, but led by the Holy Spirit. 
Faith in Christ leads to inner peace, not emotional distress. 
Faith in Christ calls us to freedom, not fear. 
2.
Faith in Christ does not invoke a direct emotional reaction, but it does invoke a spiritual reaction.
IMPORTANT: sometimes your spiritual reaction is an emotional reaction.
ALSO IMPORTANT: your spiritual reaction does not have to be an emotional reaction. 
3.
God knows your heart better than you know it; meaning that your spiritual reaction is your own. 
You do not need to force yourself to look like another person's spiritual reaction. 
You do not need to force others to look like your own spiritual reaction. 
​4.
If our faith in Christ is trusting that God is not only our Father but our Creator, then our faith in Christ manifests in a spirit of thankfulness. 
Even when we are in a moment of repentance and confession, our attitude will always be of thanksgiving. 
Let me say that again. 
Even when we are in a moment of repentance in confession, our attitude will always be of thanksgiving. 
Now let me explain:
In my brokenness, I am thankful for a Healer. 
In my sin, I am thankful for a Savior. 
In my shame, I am thankful for a Redeemer. 
In my anger, I am thankful for a Comforter. 
In my stress, I am thankful for the Author. 
In my guilt, I am thankful for the Father. 
In my suffering, I am thankful for a promise Keeper. 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: abolish cry nights. 
Cry nights are harmful. 
Cry nights are manipulative. 
Cry nights are toxic. 
If you feel like you are feeling forced to feel something: that is not the Spirit of the Lord. 
If you feel like you are feeling forced to express something: That is not the Spirit of the Lord. 
If you're struggling from experiencing events like this in your past and are on your journey to reconstructing your faith journey, know you're not alone. 

God did not intend for us to be emotionally manipulated into His kingdom. 
God did not intend for us to be emotionally manipulated into His presence. 
The God I serve and the God we serve is loving, gracious, merciful, and understanding. 
Fun fact: God knows if you don't like expressing emotions. 
God also knows if you're prone to expressing emotions. 
He literally created you. 
He knit you. 
He doesn't need to manipulate you back into His arms. 
His love is enough to pull us towards Him. ​
​Without the cry nights. 

Looking back on the events of 2020, I remember having a lot of feelings. 
Spending half of the year being uncertain of what I can depend on and what I cannot was an experience that really shaped the way I viewed my dependency as a Christian and as a black woman. I remember realizing that there were less things in this world I could depend on because of my identity. 
Reflecting on tragedies that shook the world for months and engaging with the reality of the racism and injustice in this country brought up a lot of feelings; feelings of hurt, feelings of anguish, feelings of fear, and feelings of hopelessness. Not only that, I remember feeling like there was no way out of the darkness that was plaguing my soul. 
I needed a lighthouse. 
I needed a constant. 
I needed something to look to when it felt like my world had nothing worth depending on.

As I was preparing for today's post, I spent time researching the origin of this hymn. 
There are two stories that contribute to this.
The first being that this hymn comes from two remarkable women named Lilias Strotter and Helen H. Lemmel. 
Lilias Strotter had just begun a career as an artist in London when she felt her calling by God to become a missionary in Algeria. She, however, was denied by all of the mission agencies that she applied to, and yet, decided to go anyways. Strotter ended up spending 4o years in Algeria, most of which were in isolation, where she learned to focus on Jesus. She wrote a larger poem which I recommend you read after this and will link below, but the most famous line of her poem is found in the chorus of the hymn (highlighted above). 
Helen, the composer of the hymn itself, was inspired by the life of Lilias and the poem she wrote to create this beautiful hymn. Helen was a famous songwriter and musician and spent most of her life writing hymns and performing them at churches across North America. Sadly, Helen was diagnosed with a condition that led to her losing her sight and eventually led to her husband ending their marriage. Yet in her tragedy, she sought after Christ by continuing to write and compose hymns. 
How marvelous it is that two women, although never meeting each other, were able to bring hope to a weary world through their words and music. 
If anything, their stories remind me that the one constant I can depend on in this life is the Lord. 
In my chaos, stress, tragedy, and isolation: Jesus remains the cornerstone. 
Knowing that this world will always be filled with brokenness is daunting. 
Knowing that God's promises are greater than the current trials we face is freeing. 

My biggest struggles in my faith came when I stopped seeing God as my Father and started seeing Him as my ATM. I would expect God to give me whatever I wanted whenever I wanted rather than looking to Him for guidance, comfort, and healing. In times where I didn't struggle it was easy to look to God as the Giver of all things good, but when things went sour it was like He wasn't for me anymore.
I still remember the first time this happened. It was right after my grandfather had passed away. He died due to medical complications from an amputation he had just received. Every day after he passed, I was angry at God because I knew that if He had sent a plane or a way for my grandfather to get to the U.S., my grandpa would still be here today. I was furious. The God I had surrendered myself to had, in my eyes, betrayed my best interests. From then on, I started to see God as the magic genie from Aladdin. I would ask God for things in my life that would satisfy my desires and my wants and make me seem 'cool' but then never lean on Him for guidance when He didn't grant them to me. It became hard to pray, hard to praise the Lord, and hard to rely on Him in a time that I truthfully needed Him the most. 
Times like this came again and again to the point where I didn't think I could love the Lord as much as I did before all of this loss began. ​

After seeking to come back to the Lord in fullness, I spent a lot of time repenting but repenting to the point where I began to self-loathe rather than glorify God. I began to think of myself as so unworthy that I didn't think that God would ever want to pursue a relationship with me. 
If this has ever been you, if this is you right now: hear these two words.  
The first being this:
Your sins and shortcomings do not define you, God does. 
Your sins and shortcomings do not define you, God does. 
Isaiah 43:1 says "But now, this is what the Lord says - he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: 'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."
I know that it may seem that you are  unworthy of a relationship with God but you, through the blood of Jesus Christ and the mercy of God, are a child of the King. ​

Not only are you royalty, but 1 Corinthians 5:17 says this:
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old is gone, the new is here!"
Read that. 
Hear that. 
Remember that. 
The second is important, so read this intentionally:
No person on earth has the right nor the authority to tell you that you do not have a place in the Kingdom of God. 
The God that created every single molecule in this universe, the God that knows how many hairs you have on your head, the God that knows the exact temperature of water you like, the God that formed you in your mother's womb is a God that wants you with Him.
He is a God that has made a way for you to be with Him eternally. 
​He is a God that has literally prepared a space for you in His kingdom. 
He is a God that has found you, called you by name, and loves you more than we can fathom.
No matter the battles you've gone through, no matter the hateful words you've spewed at Him, no matter the countless sins you've committed: He still runs after you.  
If you've been told that you are incapable of achieving a relationship with God by any person on this earth, take those words out of your mind. 
​They're wrong.
There's a song by Cody Carnes called Run To The Father that has these lyrics in it:

The intentionality of the God we serve is one like none other.
The love of the God we serve is one like none other. 
The coolest thing about the Lord is that He not only hears and sees us, He came down to Earth to live the life we live. He knows your struggles. He knows your pain. He knows your suffering. 
You're not alone. 
If you're ready to run to the Father, do it. 
If you're scared to run to the Father, know that He's waiting for you with open arms.
If you're unsure about running to the Father, know that He's waiting for you with open arms.
If you're ashamed about running to the Father, know that He still wants you back in His arms. 
If you want to talk about your journey with the Lord, if you want to pray about your journey with the Lord, if you're looking for someone to chat with about how to find Jesus: I'm here. 
I know what it's like to feel like there's no way that God will love me. 
And yet He surprises me every day with His unbounding love. ​